The Return of Those Wacky Japanese Commercials

We continue our examination of the strangest, funniest and damn right insane commercials to ever grace Japanese television sets. This week we even include a few ads that actually make sense. Fancy that?

Any Of You Guys Out There Thinking About Chocolate Right Now?
Sex sells and in this commercial it no only sells but it’s acknowledged. You grab an attractive, ample bosomed woman, place her in a tight, red bikini top, add an off-screen trampoline and have her jump up and down for 14 seconds and, my friends, you have yourself an add that is sure to sell truckloads of chocolate to the male demographic. I know after spending 14 seconds watching this and then another 14 second and then enough 14 seconds to add up to around three hours that I was pretty hungry for some sweet chocolate myself. In the Western World sex is used as subliminally as possible to plug products. This Japanese ad demonstrates that here nobody is trying to hide anything. 10 seconds of your add is jiggle and bounce and the remaining four is nudging the product along. I kept waiting for at least a shower of chocolate to fall down on this woman but nope, nothing but bouncing breasts. The best part of this commercial is how they point out the fact that people watching it are focused on those bouncing breasts as the own of said bouncing breasts asks us “What the heck are you looking at?” Yes, a shameless use of sex to sell something but it has worked. Right now I want nothing more then to be at whatever Choco Party this chick is attending!!! Sign me up. Good! Good! (For all those people out there thinking that a man watching a 14 second ad wherein a ample bosomed, beautiful Asian woman jumps up and down on a trampoline for an amassed total of 3 hours is in desperate need of female companionship needs to seriously read the sarcasm meter. Of bloody well course I didn’t watch this thing for 3 hours! It was more like 2 and a half if you factor in the removal of the chocolate selling bit)


It Sure Made Me Go Up! Up!
Hummm, are you sensing a theme here? It’s a cold, November Sunday…what do you want from me? So, again, we have another example of the blatantly obvious usage of breasts to sell things. I wonder how many products in the history of man would have failed miserably if not for wonderful, beautiful boobs. Yet I think this ad is fairly negative in it’s plugging that the only way you are going to get noticed is by having perky tits. Japanese women, for the most part, as less endowed then their western counterparts. Having more boob in Japan for foreign women has actually attracted a cult of gropers on trains and has prompted travel guides and websites to suggest that women with large breasts be more cautious of exposing their assets on crowded trains. I say be happy with what you got. Do you really want those loopy business mean ogling your chest anyway, racing up stairwells to get another peak? More so, do you really want lonesome Canadian men replaying your perky tits over and over again on his laptop? Be honest? Right…no…no you don’t.


Mrs. Fantastic
And you thought Reed Richards was all into the Invisible Woman! Who wants to have sex with a chick you can’t see? Why settle for such things when you can have a woman that can contort herself even more then those insane Cirque du Soleil acrobat chicks. Yowza! Now why would you want to eliminate something that gives you such stretching power? Think of the things you can do witch such a gift! Why, you could reach things high up on the shelves. You wouldn’t need to use a chair to change a light. And just think of what you could do in a Twister game!!! Oh, and you could probably find a way to take over the world but make so to kick a few asses on the Twister mat before global domination.


I Didn’t Think It Was Possible For A Coppella To Sink Any Lower Then Godfather IIINick Cage is an acting enigma. The man comes from a dynasty of a family and has demonstrated that he can actually act (Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas and Raising Arizona all come to mind as good Cage performances). Hell, the guy has even won an Oscar and what did he do with it? Well, he became the male counterpart to Mira Sorvino and, like her, has become mired in terrible films, terrible roles and recently one of the worst remakes in a string of terrible Hollywood remakes. THE BEES! THE BEES! And so we find Cage now in another one of these celebrity foreign endorsement deals. He has some tough shoes to fill after viewing that Schwarzenegger commercial last week but cage has something that Arnold doesn’t, that gold statuette…actually, two things. To the best of my knowledge The Terminator has never banged Elvis’s daughter. Of course, this potentially places Cage in the same context as Michael Jackson and after viewing this commercial maybe that isn’t such a stretch of the imagination. This commercial turned in on itself as in the first few seconds I was rolling my eyes at the phony Southern drawl on Cage and yet another goofy performance that wasn’t in any way humorous. And then the Pachinko ball aliens show up, Cage starts dancing with them, there slamming heads and it is all so bizarre that you have to laugh and laugh I did. When Cage shouts “Hoe down” I just about spurt my Japanese apple whatever this is all over my made in China laptop! Seeing this ad reminds me that I need to at least play one game of Pachinko before I vacate the land of celebs dancing with the Pachinko People of the Planet Sankyo.


But I Know What I Am And I’m Glad I’m A Man And So Is Yoko…Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoko
This commercial is actually pretty witty and for that it will not be subjected to any ridicule. Actually, this commercial, aside from the twist ending, paints a pretty accurate picture of what it is like to be a hot blooded male in a country where 90% of the female population could be classified as supermodels. Seriously, Asian women are stunning pieces of walking, talking and hopefully one day earlobe licking art. It isn’t easy to divert your eyes from such beauty…especially when such beauty is clad in short cut but tight fitting shorts accentuated by knee high leopard print boots. Even the geeky girl that is supposed to be unattractive in this ad is really cute. It’s no wonder why Japanese porn is so sought after in Torrent circles. Actually, maybe that’s why they mosaic out the good bits. The Japanese know they have a commodity in their stunning female population and thus they wish to hoard them away from the Western World why they might be tempted to balloon with Whoppers and taint their sexual appeal by wearing anything marketed by Lindsey Lohan. I actually like how over the top the deep voices are in this spot. It’s like if you attend a Japanese soccer game and you’re female you can expect to be soon thereafter achieve a lower octave range previously only attainable by the singer from the Crash Test Dummies and Berry White. Note that this commercial is a minute and thirty-six seconds in length and you don’t find out what it’s about until the final few seconds. Kept me guessing. I thought it was going to be about testicular piercings on Japanese drag Queens. Boy was I wrong.


Somehow I Don’t Think This Is What The Beach Boys Had In Mind
Do you remember my post about the Kancho? If not consider yourself fortunate but let me dig back up the strangeness that is Kancho in an abbreviated form. Kancho, in short, is when a small child jams their fingers up your ass. It’s happened to me now at least five times and in each occurrence I have been too bewildered to do anything about it. Here I am, having just been defiled by a five year old, and my expression is that of blank confusion. Have I accepted the Kancho? No! Am I still as flabbergasted by the very existence of the Kancho that words are unable to form in my mouth after being the recipient of one? Hell yes! It is believed the Kancho has become such a craze with Japanese kids because of its usage as an act of self defense by a popular animated TV show character. After seeing this commercial I have to say it’s a good thing kids apparently couldn’t give a shit about denkiunmer.com. The Kancho is a terrible thing, yes, but I’d hate to be on the receiving end of a GOOD VIBRATION! As for the commercial…I got no idea what’s going on here. The Youtube link says that it is plugging CDs but I see no relation to compact disc and assaulting the testicles of a man in a tiger suit. Somebody also posted that the text posted upon each GOOD VIBRATION attack reads “Sex machine guns” which makes this ad ever more undecipherable. I wonder if the GOOD VIBRATION Guy wears a cup. It doesn’t look like he does from the cling of his spandex. I only think such crazy thoughts as a precautionary method should I meet him. I figure he’s more exposed then I am and if I could spring a GOOD VIBRATION on him before he tosses me to the ground I’ll come out the victor…not to mention the man without impacted balls. If this were to happen I assure you I am giving this nutjob a Kancho just before I walk away.


A Bug’s Life…With Tea
It’s starts out really cute and then enters into a whole weird area. This is not unlike every Pokemon cartoon I’ve watched with my daughter. Somebody get on the phone with Pixar. I think there is a lawsuit in the making. They hypnotizing caterpillar bit got this one on the list today. I was almost going to pass it up but when the caterpillar starts sending out circular cliché hypno raze at the screaming guy in the tea field it shot up into the favorites and can now be mentioned in the same breath as the large, bald pizza guy.


Rapping Samurais? This Contest Is OVER!
This has become my favorite of the bunch. It has everything in it that makes up a perfect Japanese ad to the foreigner who views it. You got culture, craziness and you’ve got rapping samurais. You even get a little nod to the ring there at the end. If only they could have somehow worked in Gamera this would be the best commercial in the history of television advertising. Instead that coveted spot is still head by the Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz kid. Well, nothing wrong with being second.

I leave you this but be warned...clicking might induce a song that will stick to your heads like roadkill to the 401. Good night, folks!