The Ultimate in Japanese Weird

Japan is a pretty weird country. Singing garbage trucks. Talking vending machines. Weird. Then you have those toilets you have to squat down to use when perfectly good and vastly more logical upright toilets have been around for centuries. Ditto for chopsticks. Why not use a fork? Weird. Tissue paper handed to you in front of trains by women in maid costumes, game shows that enter into the realm of surrealism, corn on pizza. Weird. Weird. Weird. What about the fact that you can leave your belongings on a park bench for days and nobody will steal them? That’s pretty weird, huh? Masked people on trains. Break dancing kids checking themselves out in windows. Oh, those people who knowingly eat fish that may very well kill them. Man, that’s pretty weird. Cucumber cola for Christ sake! How about the Japanese film Prince of Space where human/chicken cross-breads try to take over the earth with only a man flying a giant cooked turkey to save us. Oh the Japanity! As weird as this country is sometimes nothing is stranger then what I discovered this week.


Let’s start with the less weird of the mega, super, ultra weird. Nyotaimori is one of the latest fetish crazes in Japan and whereas most fetishes can be thought of as sort of peculiar this one takes the cake…takes it and eats it off of a live, nude girl. Nyotaimori translated means “female body presentation” and if that doesn’t explain it well enough then let me break it down for you. A woman comes to dinner, strips down, lays down on the table, food is placed on top of her and from her nude body you pluck your meal and enjoy. This is also known as “body sushi” as the course usually served off the woman is sashimi or varying types of sushi. Although males have been used as serving plates (that may not be a sausage, madam) it is not as common. I guess there is something about eating off the female form that is more appealing. I’m going to say that should one have a choice between a female and a male body plate I too would go with the female and not because of the sexual appeal. Eating off a woman would pretty much guarantee you zero chest hairs in your food. In some cases the subject is tied up. You know, if eating uncooked fish off the body of a woman in the company of guest doesn’t do it for you maybe you should consider working live animals into the equation. Oh, wait, we’re getting there. I can understand you wanting to bound up your live serving plate. Who’s to say that when you are not looking the broad isn’t snatching mouthfuls of sushi for herself. Best tie her up to ensure your dinner remains your dinner. There is actually training involved for this. One must practice laying perfectly still for hours before becoming a serving plate. Trainees also must be prepared to have cold food placed upon them for long periods of time and thus they have to build of a sort of none-reaction to this. Should one shiver one might send the sushi flying into the faces of the strange people gathered to eat off you. We can’t have that. Pubic hair is removed. In Japan showing pubic hair might cause some to believe that eating food off a live, nude woman is a sexual act. I wonder what constitutes a sexual act if removing your pubes nullifies this entire ordeal of somehow less sexual. Prior to becoming a sushi platter, a bath is needed to ensure things are clean and sanitary. For some eating off a body is not enough. They want to eat the body itself! So brings us to a stranger offshoot of Nyotaimori. Yeah, it only gets weirder folks.




It’s called The Banquet of Cannibalism although you can rest easy. No humans were harmed in the making of this banquet. A life-sized body is made from various edible materials. Mash potatoes and dough seem popular but other food items can be used to make your, umm, body. A wig, the only none-edible part of the food body, is placed on the food body head to make your food body look more real. Simulated food pubic hair is even created. When the body is ready for serving it is laid out on a table made up to look like a slab in a morgue or an operating table. Here’s where the real fun begins. The body has been stuffed with various goodies, sort of like a real sick and disgusting piñata. Once you cut open the body, complete with squirting and dripping edible “blood” (red sauce baked right in) for realism, you can dig out various “organs”. Organs are various meats. Sausage for intestines, liver for…errrr, liver…you get the idea. Diners act as doctors as they use surgical instruments to operate and pull out the organs and feast away devouring the bleeding food body until you’ve gorged yourself on your cannibalistic fantasy. I don’t know about you folks but fake body or no fake body, I wouldn’t invite these people over for dinner any time soon.

Yet the ever envelope pushing Japanese have outdone themselves. If you thought eating off naked women or cutting into a fake food body was odd let me tell you about this little club in the Roppongi district of Tokyo. This club is for members only and members only have to be two things to get in. One is they have to be rich and two is they have to be a sick, perverted freak. Damn, I only fill one of the criteria. According to the Mainichi Daily News, the restaurant/club is located in the basement of a building that was having trouble finding an owner until the sexual deviants deduced it would be the perfect clandestine place for their base of operations. One would not think much of the place if passing it by and you wouldn’t even give it a passing glance least of all think that strange sexual acts were going on behind the doors. If your rich enough you can venture inside. Note you have to make at least 20 million yen a year to get into this joint. Inside the place looks like your regular Italian restaurant. Nothing too splashy. The smell of the food my waft towards you. Your stomach growls. A receptionist takes your name and you pass through two doors, one wooden, one metal with the latter a door that requires a special members only keycard. Gone are the days of the secret password. Nothing out of the ordinary just yet, huh? Read on if you dear but keep a paper sack close by. You might need it. When you are seated a waiter walks up to you and you are given a menu from which to choose your meal as you would any other restaurant. Succulent sow, fresh lamb and bountiful beef are all available to you. Here is where things begin to differ from your usual dining experience. The animal you have chosen from the menu is brought out to you but it is not cooked. This animal is fully alive. The waiter then leaves you alone with the animal under the dim restaurant lights. The music plays softly as you gaze at the beast and then you begin to remove your pants. Did I neglect to mention that this is a bestiality club in conjunction with the restaurant? Oh, my apologies. It must have slipped my mind. Not only have you selected a meal here but also a date and this date is guaranteed to put out. Patrons of this club are Zoophiliacs or Zoophils or whatever you want to call an animal fucker these days. Back home we call them good, old fashioned freaks. Said freaks come to said club to have sex with animals. Once the sheep fucker or cow fucker or dog fucker (and according to their any animal policy I suppose you could include platypus fucker to that list) has completed their beastly romp the animal is then taken to the back, slaughter, cooked and served to the person who only moments ago was showing the animal so much love. Holy mixed messages! Urgh! These people pay to have sex with an animal and then they eat that animal. There’s a million types of messed up in that sentence right there. From the article: “Incidentally, prices range from 200,000 yen to 500,000 yen for a chicken, dogs cost somewhere between 300,000 yen and 800,000 yen, while pigs and goats start at around 800,000 yen. Charges are higher depending on whether the creature is female and how active it is.” Now, I am told that this is %99.9 percent fabrication as it appears in a section of the paper which could be considered the Weekly World News of Japan. You know, the rag that publishes all those tales of the Bat Boy! However, when walks into a video store and sees women treating the underside of horses as popsicles one has to wonder if the validity of this strange tale is really questionable. Japan is a little lax in their bestiality laws. As strange as it may sound, and I’m sure nothing will sound strange after the previous paragraphs, but to get around the censorship laws in this country women have been known to perform sex acts on animals. You see, if a woman performs a sex act on a man the genitals are blurred in accordance to the laws stipulating what can and cannot be shown in Japanese pornography. However, the law only states HUMAN genitalia must be blurred and makes no mention of horses, cows and pigs. So one could see all the sweet penetration they desire if humans are not involved. If anything tells you how utterly screwed up this censorship law is it is the fact that one has to blur out human organs while the much more disturbing act of sex with an animal is perfectly acceptable to be shown unblurred. Hell, they couldn’t even show the pubes of the fake food girl in the photos above without a mosaic. Again, this final story of animal lust and empty stomachs must be taken with a grain of salt, and pepper and maybe a dab of ketchup considering the news source (there is also speculation into the validity of the cannibalistic banquets) but anyway you slice this puppy (sorry, bad pun) it’s 100 kinds of weird. Right about now those singing garbage trucks and talking vending machines are looking pretty normal.