These Are The People In My Neighborhood – Part 2

My The Force And Good Parking Be With You Always
There is a Jedi a block away from my apartment. Really, an honest to Lucas Jedi. I’d wager thirty of my midichlorians on such a boast. How do I know he’s a Jedi? Well, for one he has the power to repel entire automobiles at the mere wave of his hand. Not enough? Fine, he also simply suggests things to the people before him and they obey. What, mind tricks are still not good enough? Alright, he carries a lightsaber. Yes, a lightsaber! Not just any lightsaber but he carries a Vader red lightsaber. Now he moves about a slow as Obi-wan with a belly full of Mexican food but he wields that weapon like an old master. However, with order restored the galaxy there is not much for Jedis to do these days so the Jedi down the block is also a parking attendant. I pass him every day. He is a small, Yoda of a man, all shriveled and green…no, wait, blue, he wears a blue outfit. There the unwanted Jedi controls the flow of traffic, stopping cars when people like myself need to cross to get to the train station. Really, this is a pointless job for a man of his stature. He should be out battling Sando Aqua Monsters and Felucia Ground Beetles not standing around for the better part of the day longingly looking at his lightsaber and recalling the days of great fights and victories. Such needlessly employed Jedi can be found all over the Japan, elderly men and women placed into pointless jobs instead of retirement so that the cities can still garner some usage out of them. I will sometimes see up to three people directing traffic in this small supermarket lot with their sabers and I wonder if they are more a detriment to traffic then they are useful implements of auto flow? Truth is, there is more of an elderly population in Japan then there are youths and these menial jobs tend to get filed out by the aging. If only we hadn’t have done way with all those Storm Troopers. There would be plenty of jobs then! Most days I see these men just standing there in the lot waiting, hoping for a car or a person. Sometimes when there hasn’t been a car the man still goes through the motions to prevent traffic that isn’t there to prevent. I cannot criticize, however, as people have to make money, support themselves and families and live. There is a mandatory retirement age in Japan to look forward to. It is currently 65 years of age. At that time old Jedis such as this can relax in the Dune Sea with a cup of Jawa Juice, kick back and enjoy their golden years. For now these old Jedi swing their sabers to bring peace, justice and safe street crossing to all those in the galaxy not so far away.

The Bus Station Ticket Booth Demon
The bus station ticket woman is always smiling, like she’s some sort of Batman super villain or something. The Ticket Joker, mwa ha ha ha! Whereas it should be sweet, this small old woman with curly gray hair and large glasses there in her dimly lit booth with stacks of time schedules and magazines, it is actually a little creepy. This is your typical David Lynch character, not what they appear to be on the outside, dark and mysterious. I believe, and I am being quite honest here (would I lie?), that her little booth is the gateway to the 6th layer of Hell and that underneath the sweet demeanor is that of the Archduchess Glasya, Ruler of this realm of fire and brimstone. By morning she dispenses tickets to destinations like Nara and the airport but after the midnight hour her tickets turn to tongues of fire and only lead to one destination: the eternal fire below. She’s a demon, I tell you! Sure, she looks as sweet as sugar there with her wide grin but I have seen through her façade as Van Helsing once did to a certain Count. I didn’t need any mirrors, either. I just needed to not know her language. One morning I was seeking passage to a famed suspension bridge in this area only reached via bus. I gathered up my phrase book and the little knowledge I had found online and visited the bus station ticket booth demon. At first she played her morning role so perfectly. Nobody could guess she was a servant of Lucifer. However, as our broken conversation became even more torn her face began to melt like candle wax under the wick. Her features began to vanish. I watched her fight off this transformation but her wickedness prevailed as her frustration exploded. She thrusted a piece of paper into my hands, her eyes angry, her smile nowhere to be seen, and pointed at something in Japanese. As I tried to explain that I did not understand she turned her back. Was she trying to hide her full contortion into a hell beast? What horrors were ravaging her human form? When she turned back around she was the charming ticket booth lady again, writing down times of departures for the bus to the bridge with her big, false smile. Her eyes told a different story. Her eyes said she knew I was on to her, knew that when the trains stopped running and the Pachinko parlors closed, when the streets were empty, there sat Glasya awaiting new victims to pull into the flames, lost souls filling the bus to hell disappearing into the smoke and the night.

Akiko, I’m Using Pepsi Ice Cucumber To Get To You Don’t You Know?
From demons to Goddesses, oh Akiko, how I wish I could tell you my desires when I see you there behind your counter in your 7-11 uniform working the buttons of your cash register. Who knew the tapping of numbers on a till could be the music of love? I remember when I first saw you. I was purchasing some garbage bags, you were ringing up a package of condoms. It was love at first transaction. You said something to me then…I don’t know what. It could have been “You are the most handsome man I have ever seen. Take me in the ice cream freezer now!” but it was probably “Do you have a points card?” but it was the sweetest voice I have heard since first hearing Piaf. Your hair was raven black, your almond eyes dazzled. Your body was an hour glass of perfection there under your uniform and as I passed those garbage bags to you I knew then that I would fantasize for years of what lay beneath. It was destiny, my darling, because I knew your name…I knew your name and you didn’t even have to tell me…now, some might say I just read your name tag but no, Akiko, I actually heard it from one of your fellow staff members but still, destiny! Akiko, each time I go in I look for your smile. Sure, I’d like say it was the Pepsi Ice Cucumber that brought me in today but it is really you. The way you hand over my toilet paper, the way you show me how to use the photo copier, the way you move your hand towards the panic button each time I jump onto the counter and sing You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling. Oh Akiko, if not for this language barrier maybe you could understand me when I say romantically “Darling, let me thrust my schlong into your meat wad.” Akiko, let’s run away together, just you and I and, ummm, maybe some of those chocolate cookies you sell that I love so much…and batteries, gotta' have batteries and bring some of that Pepsi Ice Cucumber so I can sell some on Ebay. $10 a bottle! I know our love will never be anything more then a transaction and some misunderstood flirtation but for what it’s worth, Akiko, you’re the prettiest Asian 7-11 Clerk I have ever seen. Tonight, my love, you and I in dreams but for now could you, ummm, sell me this ass cream. I have a rash.

If I Find You Biker Guy We Go At It Ninja Style
I have become used to the trains and clanging crosswalk. I don’t hear them anymore. What I do hear, however, is Biker Guy. Biker Guy rides a very loud motorcycle up and down the street at 2AM. It has to be the same guy because the sound is incredibly distinguishable. Biker Guy’s bike sounds like somebody took seven chainsaws, two blenders and a woodchuck and tossed them in a mixer and fired the bitch up to 11. This bike has to be jacked to the max. Shawn and Steph might enjoy the ingenuity of such vehicular tweaking but at 2AM I am trying to watch South Park and you are interrupting my Cartman enjoyment. What is the need for such a loud ride, anyway? Is your status as a human somehow elevated by the amount of noise pollution you create? Do you get nasty kicks from waking people up in the early hours of the morning? Or, as I believe, do you just lack attention in your off bike existence, so much so that you need to become the focal point of the evening as you race to your nowhere to go in a loud burst of thunder? Whatever it may be, Biker Guy, mark my words. If I ever catch you I will toss your bike into a river (surly it can’t weigh any more then the cars here) and we will square off in a to the death battle of man of silence vs man of noise. The man of silence can be deadly, Biker Man, when his early morning pornography viewing is disturbed so let's just put a muzzle on that thing. Of course, if you are part of the Mafia or weigh more then 110lbs then I bid you good night, sir, carry on and might I say what a beautiful bike you have there.

Kota and Harriet
I know I have mentioned them before but they are worth repeating. There is a restaurant in Yagi Station that I go to at least once every week. It serves a really cheap lunch that isn’t quite bad for the price but the main reason for entering this establishment is the stage show. The two proprietors are, and I can only assume this by the amount of bickering, husband and wife. The man’s name is Kota, I have heard it shouted so many times. The woman we will call Harriet. How one of them have not shoved another into the fryer is beyond me. Now they don’t outwardly engage in loud shouting matches…it is not the Japanese way…outside of the woman shouting he mans name they are of normal tone but they do wage wars of one liners to rise the ire of each other. Like a slow burning kettle…eventually it spills over. Harriet will be serving the customers and Kota always cooks and suddenly Harriet will be shouting his name, bellowing to bring forth the meal and Kota will hurry it out, offer his harsh retort, and then vanish back into the kitchen leaving Harriet fuming until the next time she has to call him out. This old couple is entertaining even if you don’t know the language simply for the facial reactions. Kota stepping out of the kitchen with a “What now?” expression and Harriet with her “You lazy oaf, you forgot the garnish!” look of disgust. Sometimes she looks like she will throw a carrot at the poor guy. It would probably cut through him, the guy is so feeble and lanky. Once I saw him come out of the kitchen with a frying pan…ONLY a frying pan and I thought, that’s it, it’s curtains for poor Harriet. To the moon, Alice! Instead he got some noodles, tossed them in the pan, threw her a look that said “One of these days…one of these days…” and retreated back to his kitchen salvation. One day one of these two is going to snap and make the news. Is it morbid for me to want to be there when this happens?