Save Me Falcor From The Rains of Tsuyu

Outside fall the rains of Tsuyu, hard lines of water splashing onto my window, the kind of rain that inspires Paul Simon to write tunes like Kathy's Song. Hot rain, rain that stings when it smacks against your face, rain that cuts through rose petals, rain…errr…rain on the scarecrow, blood on the plow. Me, I’m not inspired, I’m just wetter then Rue Mcclanahan in a Jersey hotel room on any given Saturday night. If you know Rue, that’s pretty damn wet. Tsuyu is Japan’s rainy season and it happens between mid-June and mid-July. Tsuyu has the quaint translation of “plum rain” due to the buckets of it beginning to fall around the same time as the ripening of Japan’s plum orchards. Cursed plums! You can never trust a plum, my grandmother always said and buddy I believe it. Plums bring bad weather, she said. Plums rape small animals and produce TV Movies about Anna Nicole Smith. Damn you plums. Damn you to Valhalla! You’re not good enough for hell.

My umbrella broke a few weeks ago and judging for the corpses of varied sizes and colors of umbrellas strewn about the city I gather that Japanese umbrellas are not built sturdy enough to withstand Tsuyu. This is what you get when your umbrellas say MADE IN PERU BY DRUNK CAPUCHIN MONKEYS. Because of these intoxicated simians I choose to walk without protection from the rains of Tsuyu. As I said earlier this month to the one person who still reads this blog (thanks dad), I don’t mind the rain so much as I hate being stuck in the house, camera tossed in a corner gathering dust, because of the weather. I’ve been at odds with the weather since arriving here but nothing has been this glum when it comes to sky shades and damp clothing. It has now been raining for about four days, even since that night in Osaka, with no signs of stopping. Not even a Pepsi Ice Cucumber can make me smile. The waters just keep on coming. Large puddles form outside my classroom, a slip and slid on staircases awaiting running kids whom I have to take extra precautions to ensure they remain without spinal damage because fuck knows the parents aren’t grabbing them before the zip off the balcony in a stream of screams and water. Down the rain comes. I have started to take precautions and have begun tearing up my floorboards, pilling them neatly by the doorway. Instead of an umbrella I have purchased a hammer, some nail and a really long fake, white beard. If a flood comes, I will be ready. This begs the question…well, maybe not begs the question…maybe asks the question in a somewhat pleading manner that is not quite begging but not quite simply asking the question. Anyway, should the rains of Tsuyu become the rapture and I am the only one with an arc with limitations in space which pairs of creatures do I load unto my floating barge of life. Let’s be honest now, one cannot seriously believe the Bible tale of Noah being able to load up every damn creature on the planet into the boat, I don’t care what size it was. I mean, let’s talk about the logistics of species alone. How would know get to, say, the penguins or pairs of paramecium? Did Noah have pairs of paramecium on board? Pairs of paramecium. I like that. And how about the food chain questions? Did the lions attack the sheep? Were the housed in separate quarters? How about food? Did Noah just happen upon all the varied foods certain species live on. Eucalyptus leaves come to mind. And then comes the matter of shit and lots and lots of it. Bullshit, cat shit, monkey shit, rabbit shit, chacoan peccary shit…shit, shit, shit. Who cleaned it all up? Did they just dump it into the waters on top of the floating bodies of the unfaithful and sinning? I will bet dirt to dollars that Noah never soiled his hands. Naw, the shit duty was left to Shem, Ham and Japheth. Seriously, God knew this guy was the perfect fucking nutjob to helm his holy ark because nobody in their right mind names their kid Ham. With so much weight would the boat not sink? 40 days and 40 nights on a shit stinking boat buffeted by waves, always raining with only your family and 6,000 species of reptiles, 9,000 species of birds, 15,000 species of mammals and 1,000 amphibians must get pretty boring somewhere around day 22. There are only so many times you can laugh at the platypus or listen to Japheth sing Proud Mary. God could have at least been merciful and created Yahtzee or Hungry, Hungry Hippos (actually, I guess he could have used the actual hippos on board the ark). No, this story doesn’t mesh. No way, uh-uh, on the naming of Ham alone I cry shenanigans. This story reeks of as much shit that would have filled that ark had it existed. I am not lead blindly into believing all is fact in simple parables and folk tales. There is no way I would fit every species of animal onto my ark should the Tsuyu rains never cease. Some will live, most will die. The question is what will be lost to the deluge? Well, first to go is pigeon, useless sidewalk staining waste of feathers. Ditto to poodles, anything from Australia and gnus. Death to all monkeys because one of them out there has got to be smarter then me, I’m looking at you chess playing monkey, and we can’t have any mutiny on my vessel. Gone are the mongoose, the regular goose, the moose and then mouse. Actually, gone are any animals that don’t adhere to being pluralized. One goose, two geese my ass. Gooses, mooses and mouses you S hating bastards! Okay, so that makes some room. Definitely need cats. Cat’s can live. We need one of those dragon dogs things so Falcor can stay and, ummm, unicorns. The rest of the space goes to my harem of porn stars as together we will repopulate the planet. With Jenna, Sindy and Sassy Darkholer by my side we will survive the wrath of Tsuyu and once our dove returns we will wash up against land once again and start anew. You see what being stuck inside the apartment for four days can do to a guy? Of course, if there is no flood it’ll be hard to explain where this place is missing floorboards to the landlord. Thankfully for awkward situations like this one there is always Falcor! Wait, why the hell do I need an arc anyway when I have a giant flying dog dragon! Falcor awaaaaayyyyyy!