Me vs The Japanese
Reading the always entertaining Mog Journal has given me this idea to do a little comparative essay of myself and the Japanese. Being from a totally different culture of course gives way to a large amount of cultural differences and having been here now nearly half a year (time sure flies, kiddies!) I have noted some of them. From the obvious to the downright bizarre, here are just a few of the differences found between me and the Japanese.
ME: I like to purchase large backs of potato chips, large tubs of ice cream and large boxes of cereal. The operative word here is large, sometimes even jumbo. If mammoth sizes existed I’d purchase those too. Why did jumbo catch on in advertising but mammoth never did? I like bulk because I hate doing groceries. Check that. I don’t hate doing groceries, I hate carrying groceries and I loath standing in grocery lines behind blue haired ladies with a fist full of coupons. Buying oversize prevents monthly returns and, back home, I usually did my grocery shopping for two months in advance. Large boxes of Corn Pops can last for weeks unless I go on a binge. Gotta’ have my Pops!
THE JAPANESE: A large size of chips here is about the same size as a small sack advertising 10% more, thus earning the term Mega Sack even thought it is more like a medium, back home. A large tube of ice cream here is a Ben and Jerry’s size container that feeds me in under twenty minutes. A large fry in a fast food joint is a medium, if best. They give you a tiny little plate at the salad buffet. Boxes of Popsicles have about five per box instead of twelve. Cereal boxes are paper thin. Bread comes in six slices. You want peanut better to last more then three pieces of bread? Better get it imported, buster. No mega-tube of KRAFT here. Tiny yogurts, minute packages of cookies and cans of soup that couldn’t feed a Canadian hamster. Yes, the Japanese are all about small portions which is why they are so thin, I suppose. Now you can get rice bags so large you need a dump truck to move them, hell you can even get such huge rice sacks in vending machines, but if try to find yourself a couple gallons of ice cream. Or even milk! Man, all you get here are those thin cartons. No bags. Not even the big ass cartons. There is much I love about Japan but food portions at the grocery store are not part of my adoration.
ME: I don’t carry around a sunbrella. When the sun beats down I like to be under it it tanning my skin with wonderful UV rays. I don’t burn easily and have seldom needed any suntan lotion and I certainly don’t need a parasol to block out the skin browning goodness from above. As for actual umbrellas, getting wet doesn’t bug me.
THE JAPANESE: Everybody, and I mean everybody carries an umbrella and almost everybody carries a sunbrella. Old women, business men, school boys, grannies and dogs. Everybody carries around an umbrella. I feel like I have a flaw in my genetic makeup here when I am walking in a crowd, the only one without his arm extended above his head holding an umbrella. Sort of feel a little foolish sometimes, if you want the honest truth of it. I had an umbrella. It broke. Why purchase another one when the cold rain feels so nice on these hot days? Sunbrellas are less common but still abundant, especially with the older folk. Wouldn’t some lotion be easier? Did I already mention how much coin I could rack in with umbrella advertising?
ME: I am a pretty loud guy when it comes to being behind closed doors. Ah, to hell with it, when it comes to pretty much everything. At home, though, I listen to my music loud, I sing in the shower and if every I am in the mood for those wacky Japanese game shoes I am watching them with the volume up. I walk loud, I do the dishes loud, I cook loud. Pots rattle. Forks drop. Fridge doors slam. I am a stomping, rattling, slamming, amped up kind of guy.
THE JAPANESE: Do I have neighbors? The filled recycling box and the bikes in the parking area in front of my window seem to indicate so but I really have to wonder. I never hear them. I mean, I NEVER hear them. I don’t hear them talking. I don’t hear a radio. I don’t hear a door open or a door close. I don’t even hear a damn toilet flush. The Japanese are so quiet they are none existent. I’ve seen people go in and out of apartment doorways so I know that you are in there. Do you shower? Do you cook? Do you piss? How about conversations? Do you have phones because I never hear them ring. Maybe each of these places are built like soundproof rooms but I don’t think so. The Japanese are just quiet folk. I wish I could say as much for their children. Yeah, they are quiet alright until it comes to the damn election season when those trucks go by at 8am!
ME: I hate gadgetry. It is not an age thing, either. I have never been one to jump into the latest technological craze. DVD is the only thing I latched on to at the outset but you won’t be seeing me shifting to HD or BlueRay or whatever the new format may be. I didn’t own a CD player until years after they were popular. XBOX, PS3 and that strange cubed Nintendo are things that suck up lives. I have the internet for that. I wouldn’t be typing on this laptop if a) it wasn’t so damn cheap and b) I wasn’t in need of a portable device. I see no need to have a television larger then most two car garages. I only own a digital camera because it is cheaper in the long run then constantly paying for film. I boil my coffee water on the stove. I don’t own a car. I have trouble with remote controls. I love old records you can buy for a quarter, I still play PacMan and I don’t own a cell phone that can take pictures, play music and jerk me off while simultaneously doing my taxes.
THE JAPANESE: These people are all about their electronic playthings and why wouldn’t be. Have the shit we are so impressed with back home comes from here. The train rides are where I notice our differences the most. Whereas I would be reading a book if I had a book the Japanese are text messaging on their pimped out do it all phones or playing some kind of video game on some sort of portable gaming device I don’t know the name of. A walk into a Japanese electronics store showcases mountains of merchandise I wouldn’t have a use for. Vacuums that look like robots, refrigerators with built in computers, talking blenders…it’s an electronic jungle in there. Of course this is not a cultural thing because gadgets and gizmos are popular back home. I just like to avoid them. Yeah, I have an MP3 player but it was low end with low storage capacity. Really, honestly, come on now, who the hell needs something that holds 20 billion songs? I haven’t been inside a car here since the ride from the airport but if that auto was any indication then the cars here are all KITTs with built in navigational devices that talk to you, radios that can remember your listening pleasures and small screens on which to play the latest hit films. Man, all I need is a cup holder that properly holds a medium coffee. How about inventing that, huh?
ME: I’m not religious. I worship no higher power except for maybe Count Chocula. Since having God and Jesus and that Holy Ghost thing shoved down my gullet in grade school I have since followed the doctrine of Andreism. I don’t shit on others for believing in whatever it is they believe in, though, to each there own so long as you don’t try to force it upon my while I am having lunch or waiting for a train. Fucking Mormons!!! I don’t go to church although I still remember my Bible quite well. If I ever enter the prison of marriage, however, I will be sure to do it the right way: Marriage by Elvis impersonator in Vegas, baby!
THE JAPENSE: There are shrines and mini-shrines and temples everywhere. EVERYWHERE. You’ve seen how many pictures I have of these things well that’s not the half of what I have seen because I am so sick now of photographing shrines and temples. There is so much here that is sacred and holy, from mountains to statues to little wooden things found in parking lots that look like mailboxes. I have read that religion is not as important to the modern day Japanese as it once was but in my area of town this is hard to believe. I always see people stopping to worship at small shrines, clapping their hands twice and bowing to pray of offer thanks to whatever beer/fox/woman God might be enshrined there. I pass two small shrines on the way to the bus terminal and one larger one. There are two Catholic churches around my apartment. This is all within two blocks. I’ve never seen an Elvis impersonator.
ME: I’ve been asked why I choose to come to a country that consumes so much fish when I don’t like eating fish that isn’t labeled Captain Highliner. Much to Todd’s dislike, I am not a fish eater. I know, Todd, you go out there and you catch it and you clean it and you cook it following the patterns of the Neanderthals before you and I sit there forcing it down my throat…although I admit your stuff tastes pretty good. Uncooked fish is hard for me to stomach. I haven’t eaten any sushi here except for a small nibble that somebody offered me at a staff meeting. To me it’s bait.
THE JAPANESE: Fish is king, just walk into a grocery story and see. You will find a small section devoted to beef, a smaller section devoted to chicken and a section near the back devoted to dog meat. I KID! I KID! It’s not such a small chicken section. But the fish section spans an entire aisle and then some in most cases. You will have fresh fish displayed in the middle of the store, all smelly and unpacked. Yes, unpacked. They are just sitting there, eyes gazing upwards as though they were just plucked from the water and tossed into the crushed ice, stinking up the area and awaiting scrutiny by the Japanese. Fish is not something to be trifled with and like trying to find an unblemished fruit picking your fish is a serious ordeal. Sushi stands can be found in most train stations and all convenience stores have a sushi shelf. Sushi is all about the look. It is so well crafted, perfectly formed and pleasing to the eye. Yeah, is so well crafted, perfectly formed and pleasing to the eye bait. Use that stuff to catch other fish with and then COOK them! I suppose I will eventually get around to trying a full helping of sushi. It is on my list of JAPANESE THINGS TO DO IN JAPAN THAT DOESN’T REQUIRE LEATHER AND HANDCUFFS. As an aside here, I often see people fishing in the canals around my schools and apartment and judging from the water it is not hard to see why I avoid the fish aisle and head right to the dog meat.
