The New Amazing Adventures Of Teacher Tour Guide Man

Bit by a radioactive travel bug, a mild mannered sales clerk’s blood was fortified with travel tenacity transforming him into Teacher Tour Guide Man. Now, with the ability of extreme patience in the face of small children wanting to stick their fingers up his ass, Teacher Tour Guide Man uses his powers to ward off the crime of boredom, educating (and Teacher Tour Guide Man uses this term very loosely) small children along the way. Today’s story finds Teacher Tour Guide Man in the guise of half his heroic identity. As Tour Guide Man he endeavors today to show a new recruit around the historical city of Japan. Let’s go back to…

THREE DAYS AGO
Teacher Tour Guide Man receives a call from The Company informing him that he is about to be sent a trainee. He sighs a little because trainees are fabled swords with double edges as when he is working as Teacher Man he does not like to be observed. He feels this complicates his lessons some and distracts his children. However, trainees also elevate some of his workload by having to teach their own lesson that day thus turning the tables and placing Teacher Tour Guide Man at the helm of observation. So it is a little give and a little take. Teacher Tour Guide Man realizes this, swallows his sigh and offers the services of Tour Guide Man.

“You know Tour Guide Man?” The Company representative shouts into his end of the phone.
“Yes, we went to high school together,” Teacher Tour Guide Man, now talking as Teacher Man (are you confused yet?) replies with a knowing grin. The phone is then handed over to the trainee, a young girl from the Western woodlands of British Columbia, Canada. Her voice sounds cute enough. Teacher Tour Guide Man knows better not to fall for sweet female voices hoping for matching appearances. He was once fooled by a cross-dressing transsexual midget with elephantiasis.
“I hear you can offer a tour, Tiger,” she says and this is probably a could moment to mention that some of this account has been written taking certain artistic liberties.
“Me? No, no…you want Tour Guide Man.”
“Of course?” Was she on to him? Did she know his other identity?
“He’ll meet you at the Starbucks in Nara station. He usually dresses in a black coat, wears glasses and if he showers the night before his hair will resemble something mangled by a rusty push mower.”
“Starbucks, glasses, black coat and bad hair. Got it. So you, ummmm, HIM then.”
The line goes dead.

TODAY
Teacher Tour Guide Man is late. He is never late. He is the paragon of early. Look up the word early in the dictionary and you will find a definition for the word early but if Teacher Tour Guide Man was I Make Dictionaries Man then it would have a picture of him of course he wouldn’t Teacher Tour Guide Man then and so I suppose it would be a picture of I Make Dictionaries Man who would still be an embodiment of Teacher Tour Guide Man and thus, early. Maybe he should change his name to Usually Really, Really Early Man. This morning he had to make a detour before meeting the trainee who he will now start referring too as Bert Ward, the ultimate sidekick. He had left something of importance in another classroom and so had to scamper there, rush back to the train and sprint to the Starbucks meeting point before Bert Ward became sick of waiting and, cursing the usually very early Tour Guide Man under her breath, she storms out of the station with her double latte to tour alone only to get lost, run over by a rickshaw and eaten by several rabid deer. Teacher Tour Guide Man hates it when that happens. Luck was somewhat on his side and his train was faster then a speeding bullet (no, no…we can’t be stealing other comic heroes lines…check that, the train was faster then Indian food coursing through the body in the heat of August) and he managed to only be 15 minutes late. The Starbucks was still empty. She had gone. All that remained were Japanese women in short skirts. If only Teacher Tour Guide Man were 12 years old. He’d have to leave these girls for Pedophile Man. Just as he is about to step outside to follow the trail of entrails being munched on by hungry deer Bert Ward appears.

Bert Ward is a beautiful woman (I bet that sentence has never been written in the history of man before…another first for Teacher Tour Guide Really Silly Writer Man!). She is of perfect proportion in all areas although Teacher Tour Guide Man admits his focus was mainly on the chest region but he is sure she had really, really good armpits and toes too. Brown hair flowing like a mountain stream cascading over her shoulders, eyes sparkling above a glimmering smile, Bert Ward was the proverbial knock out. Yes, sometimes life smiles on Teacher Tour Guide Man. He introduces himself, apologizes for his tardiness and compliments her on her amazing breasts (let me reiterate: not all of this account may be factual) before both leave the station so Bert can exchange some travelers checks. While waiting in the bank for young Ms. Ward to get some Yen he picks up a children’s book from a stack of children’s book. Why, he thinks, that cartoon mole on the cover looks like it has poop on its head. By God it is a cartoon mole with poop on its head. The story is called The Story of the Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business and tells the tale of a mole who wakes up with a giant pile of feces as a hat. Knowing that it does no belong to him he sets out to find who it does belong too asking various animals to defecate so that he can examine their extract. I ain’t talking shit here, folks. Okay, that’s exactly what I am doing but no lie, this was an actually book sitting there on the table in the bank and it was a children’s book! Before you start thinking “Those wacky Japanese” like I did know that this book is actually of German origin. Bratwurst, the wall, Nazis and moles with poop hats…Germany has so much to offer!

Bert Ward of supple bosom now had money and both were off on a well-plotted out walk of Nara. Tour Guide Man knows his stuff. Temples, shrines, deer, pagodas, ancient forests, old villages and some hamburgers and fries all in under five hours. Teacher Tour Guide Man did not bring his camera as it looked like another downpour was coming but Bert had her camera and boy was she using it. Tour Guide Man now knows how everybody else must feel when they take him and his camera out only to spend most of the time standing about while he snaps 30 photos of strange looking piece of wood. Bert was a self-admitted picture hound. The two of us would get along just fine and had much in common. Both worked, or wanted to, in film back in their home countries. She was a 3D animator and he was whatever would pay him. She lived in Vancouver and he was planing to move there. She offered him some city tours when he arrived. They had similar musical tastes, taste in films and both had come to Japan to add a little extra to their lives before settling down. Mostly, however, she had really large breasts. Tour Guide Man explained as best as he could the history and significance of the temples and shrines he took Bert Ward too although Tour Guide Man is by no means Professional Tour Guide Man and most of Bert Ward’s questions were answered with vague answers such as “old”, “tall” and “really old”. Bert would pay for Tour Guide Man’s entrance into the large Buddha temple despite protests and the two of them found themselves in a swarm of young school kids in yellow hats. Yellow hats! Everywhere! Then came the blue hats to the right. I hope there wasn’t a gang war for this temple turf. Both of our heroes did not attempt to crawl through the hole in the pillar to obtain enlightenment. Teacher Tour Guide Man is already enlightened for having done it before and Bert Ward and her double D’s were just not going to make it as any attempt on her part to squeeze those beauties into this small opening would result in having to call the fire brigade.

All in all it was a nice day walking about sharing stories, dreams, goals and laughter with the beautiful Bert Ward. Teacher Tour Guide Man these days is aching for company and if you are going to do companionship right do it with a smiling female form that sports mounds the size of Mauna Loa. Teacher Tour Guide Man was thinking how great a couple they made what with much in common and sharing the major bond of two Canadians far from home trying to make sense of surroundings that often confuse and astound them. Teacher Tour Guide Man subtly and slowly began to elevate the flirt-o-meter. Bert Ward, at least to him, reciprocated. After 5 hours of walking the two sat for a typical Western lunch of hamburgers and fries. There were many foreigners in the restaurant. Place an English word in your establishments title over here and watch the English folk rush on in. You could be serving mole with poop hats and they would still pack the joint.

With the Nara walk, a typical square tour that checks off all the city’s main attractions, Tour Guide Man parted ways with Bert Ward handing over the reigns of the day to Teacher Man at the door to his Nara classroom. Teacher Man and Bert Ward would sit in silence for next half hour as each prepared their separate lessons for the day with Ward, sadly, getting the bad one. Or so he thought. Teacher Man’s lesson was a heap load of hard with him not only being under the watchful eye of Bert Ward but also the Japanese Teacher who thought, due to a few students in this class scared of Teacher Man, she needed to be there to help. This just lead to a mass of confusion as the students had three adults in the room and would lock themselves onto the one they recognized the most, the Japanese Teacher. Two of the scared students in question last time would not leave the doorway. Today they were fine as in they were not crying. What they were, however, were walking carnage machines. This duo, brother and sister, would destroy all they touched and they touched a lot. This included some well places smacks to the ass area of our frustrated hero. Teacher Man liked this kids better in the doorway. Well that was over anyway. At least the vile Kancho Man didn’t rear his ugly little head. It was now time for Bert Ward’s lesson and though Teacher Man was happy to not have to deal with two of the students in this lesson (two rude girls) he felt sorry that the young Ward, still in training, would have to put up with them. But…what’s this? The girls were listening? They were actually doing what they were told! This leads Teacher Man to believe one or maybe all of three things: 1) The Japanese teacher had spoken to the girl’s parents when Teacher Man mentioned how hard they had been on him and other none Japanese teacher’s in the past. Perhaps this could account for the behavioral shift; 2) The girls want to be taught by women and men lead them to extreme impertinence; and 3) The girls are out to make Teacher Man crack and go insane by their mood shifts when he is not teaching them. I guess we will find out the answer to this next month. Same Teacher Man time. Same Teacher Man channel.

Another day of teaching over Teacher Man turns back into Tour Guide man and him and Bert Ward, after a lengthy search for the classroom door keys that turned up in Teacher Man’s pocket, close the door to the class are now out in the rain that had been teased all afternoon during their walk. Before both leave on trains going in opposite directions they step out of the rain and into a coffee shop. Teacher man orders a bottomless cup of coffee making known is ideology that you have to drink at least three cups to make the price worth it and Bert Ward order tea without a hot beverage ideology. The dynamic duo continue their conversation from earlier that day reinstating their similarities with a mutual disgust for recent cinema, music and Lindsey Lohan. Teacher Tour Guide Man could also be known as Quick To Fantasize Man. Yes, he has just met this smart, attractive woman and is already drumming up alternate realities around the two of them. He sees them sitting in coffee shops in Vancouver. He sees them relaxing on beaches. He sees them purchasing pumpkin pie fudge on Granville Island. Maybe with their combined filmmaking know how they could turn out a few flicks. He sees them on… What, what’s that she’s saying? Maybe Teacher Tour Guide Man should be paying attention to Bert Ward instead of gazing chestwards and pondering never-to-bes. What’s that she’s saying?

“When I get back to Canada my boyfriend and I are…” and he hears no more. My boyfriend. My boyfriend! MY BOYFRIEND!

Damn! Damn! Damn-iddy-damn-damn!

Teacher Tour Guide Man is once again defeated by his arch nemesis: Boyfriend Man! The two exchange emails, Teacher Tour Guide Man steps off of his train an hour later, walks home in the rain, falls into his bed and lives to fight, tour and teach another day.