Weather Wins But The War Of The Green Coats Begins!*

Alright, you got me, I admit it, my war on the weather may have found me in way over my head when it comes to insurmountable odds. My bold proclamations of angst now seem silly and juvenile as who am I to single-handedly attempt to engage in warfare with such a foe as thunderclouds, drops of rain and frigid winds? Let’s face it, it’s a futile cause to try to outwit the weather and though it pains me to say it I have to bow down defeated and face the mockery of the clouds above. I have only an umbrella and a a bag of Chocolate Pillows as my weapon and my opponent has lightening, hail balls the size of those really big jawbreakers that cost half your paycheck and air to freeze the very marrow in your bones. This David could not topple the Goliath. Now, it is not out of lack of ideas to combat the weather that I bow out of our contest but simply due to lack of time with the new war I am waging keeping me a very busy warrior. Move on over gray skies because there’s a new enemy in town superceding our epic engagement. My targets are now set on an adversary just as foul and burdensome as the clouds and the rains. I am now calling to the battlefield the political lobbiests of Japan!

It is politics time in this country and I have discovered that with the inevitable ad campaigns that come with politicking here in Japan there comes those tiny cars and attached to the tiny cars are megaphones and attached to the megaphones are enough speakers to power an Anthrax concert and attached to those speakers is a microphone and attached to that microphone is some campaign promoter screeching praises and promises into the streets loud enough to make your ears bleed more profusely then a Virgin Mary statue. I know I have mentioned this already in passing but these last two days these political announcements have become increasingly maddening. Japan is a loud country to live in to begin with, especially for me being so close to that crosswalk. Everything talks to you, trucks sing and people are walking around everywhere gabbing abrasively into their cell phones. I have lived in large cities that I thought to be particularly noisy but nothing has prepared me for the swell of noise when it comes to this country. I was at a point where I could block out the train station announcements and robotic voices in the elevators, build a sound dam between me and the chimes and tones and, yes, even ignore the crosswalk clanging but this week the bar was raised and out came the political pushers with their high decibel level junk and my skull started to crack.

Aside from a very short stint outside of my apartment one morning a few weeks ago I have not had to contend much with these announcements and my days have gone by unhindered by the political machine. That all changed this week when the tiny cars and megaphones rolled into the small city where I was teaching bringing with them the intruding sounds of their nuisance from the speaker systems. The first wave struck while I was organizing the lessons for the week. I usually arrive very early the first lesson of the week to set out all my materials for the days ahead and though this requires very little concentration my period of meditation before each lesson does. No, I am not there sitting up right in the lotus position chanting “ooommmm” but laying back on a large red dice pillow, standard classroom issue, eyes closed preparing for the kiddies to come flocking in. The sound startled me out of my relaxed state. The pitch was higher then I’d previously heard, enough to make glass break, and I nearly jumped out of my skin fearing we were being bombed by Korea or, worse, a Gamera attack! It was finally Gamera!!! The voice, a squeaky lady with the power of Montserrat Caballe in her lungs, belted out whatever it was she was saying with the volume cranked so high on the sound system that I am sure people in Lebanon were able to hear her over their Tabouleh. My repose disturbed, I walked outside and watched the small, white truck turn a corner and although it was now gone the power of the sound system still made it feel as though it were parked in the street under me. Well, that was the end of that at least. I returned to my pillow dice, closed my eyes and was about to just find that spot between sleep and waking when they attacked again, this time from the left and full force, louder this time. They were looping around the block! They came again, a fourth time and then a fifth and each time the sentences remained exactly identical…I should know, I’ve heard it enough and could now add it all to the list of Japanese words that I know. Miyagi, get the chopsticks ready because you have more tofu to chow down upon! They did not let up and bled their propaganda all over my classes that evening causing me to have to speak over them and the students to be understandably distracted each time the trucks passed. I wanted to run out and shout at them to keep it down feeling very much like an old men living under a herd of punk rockers, maybe lob the FAX machine at them to prove that I meant business. I mean, surly there is a better way to get your point across then this. Do the people here actually enjoy having their ears assaulted by their local political parties or are the local political parties attempting to annoy the voters by audio torture to attract votes which will in turn translate into a reprieve on their volume levels?

Today the conflict between the government lackies and I became larger when a dozen green neon coated lobbyists took to the streets armed with flyers, advertising toilet paper and grins the width of Arizona to rally up some support. The audio attack wasn’t enough. In came the ground troops! Humanity has a history of annoyance when it comes to advertising in all facets, does it not? Take telemarketing. Laws are being passed to deter the intrusive tactics some of these companies use but still the phone calls keep coming and I can’t think of anybody save for the really, really lonely (i.e.: People who collect Wookie costumes) who may actually enjoy receiving a telemarketing call. For a brief time I worked as one of these dregs of the race and I swear you’d think I’d raped and set fire to some of these people’s children with the slew of obscenities hurled into their receivers to this stranger on the other end. What the hell is a Spelunking Spooge Slurper anyway? And the flyers handed out on the street. Are people actually keeping these, trading them with their friends, saving them in boxes in the attic for a day when their value increases ten-fold? No, they are generally just finding their way politely into the first garbage can out of the peripheral vision of the person who handed it to you. Email spam? Do you read it? Junkmail? No, it is all tossed, deleted and cursed and would happily be set aflame by all of us to dance around like wild heathens at a bush fire. I have to believe that these loud speaker invasions are doing a disservice to the politician and the cause is not being strengthened by the wall of neon green coat wearing grinners blocking my way into the train station. I was carrying two armloads of groceries and had no time to stop for flyers or campaign I could not understand. Now they were not completely blocking access to the turnstiles but they were conveniently placed so that you had to go out of your way to walk around them. This is much worse then the one or two people handing out the tissue paper or promotional flyers because there were more of them and their coats were blinding. One of them kept telling me “thank you” to showcase his English language skills and the others followed suit in Japanese. I had no idea what they were thanking me for…maybe for not breaking out a flame-thrower and turning them all into crispy neon coat wearing human wall forming flyer passing political pests. Does this really attract votes because if I was able to vote in this country I would exercise that right and choose to elect a shower curtain ring over anybody who tries to force feed the public their political views this way. One of them shouted something at me as I passed through the turnstiles. I don’t know what it was but it wasn’t “thank you”. The others giggled at his comment. I had a can of peaches within reach but I decided today was not the day to get deported and I walked on half expecting to see another wall of these green coats blocking access to the train doors but their annoyance only reached as far as the turnstiles and I road home without being accosted any further.

I realize I do tend to poke fun at the ways of the Japanese quite a bit on this blog but these little ribbings are partially to get a laugh or two out of you readers and partially to get a laugh or two out of me. I mean, come on, a vending machine that thanks you for purchasing a can of Bubble Man is pretty humorous. I am not complaining nor attempting to cast a disparaging light on the Japanese. I am really enjoying being allowed to live here in the beautiful country and traveling around it is etching memories inside that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. The ways here are not my own and I am sure the Japanese find a lot to ridicule in the Western world. However, no matter where I may travel, no matter where they blare and blast and intrude and annoy, I cannot find anything remotely funny in these loudspeaker thrusts of political agendas. The clutter of those campaign signs on corners and lawns back home are small beans compared to this as you can quickly look away from the signs you cannot so easily escape the thunderous boom of the loudspeakers. I can understand that you have to get your message out there to obtain votes but do so by means of signs, well crafted debates and newspaper spots and keep your irritatingly booming voices out of our places of work and homes and for the love of all things holy and good please change your wardrobe. Neon green was sooooooooo 1985! Wait, sort of like the ripped jeans. I am sensing a pattern here.

*(NOTE: The above rant comes from the fingers of a none-political Nihilist Marxist Communist Left-Right-Chicken Wing Anarchist who understands that such “intrusions”, as he calls them, may also act as an effective way to spread the message to people who want to hear it and such forceful politicking can very well perpetuate change in the masses. He’s just cranky that his red dice nap was interrupted and really, really dislikes neon green coats. In all seriousness, spread your messages of hopeful gubernatorial shifts any way you like just, you know, maybe spread that message in something less visually impairing.)

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Eough of that. Onto some photographs:

For you Megs. I can sense you getting on a plane with your wonderful man in hopes of gaining permenant residence in the Relaxing Weed Space. Their sign outside says your satisfaction is 100% gauranteed.


Half Pokemon, half bell, all confusing, ten Yen to anybody who can tell me what this thing is actually for. A dozen of them were found around a window during one of my walks.


The Takada shrine roof.


I took this shot because the statue of the ice cream loving kid is wearing a Japanese school outfit just so you get an idea of what one of these looks like.


Here is one for you, Des. Is this an unevolved Pikachu?


This vending machine bottle is a fan of Gene Simmons, I hear.







I'll talk more about Carp flags such as this in the next few weeks as they represent a Holiday coming up at the start of May but these flags were flapping in the wind at a school near the Takada Shrine today. What are they for? Well, stay tuned.